This blog idea came to me when I was swimming laps last week. I was on my 15th lap and into my head popped the recent death of Charlotte Lawson. I had been thinking about her a bit over the last day or so, and about how hard it can be with depression. How easy it can seem in those horrible moments to just exit altogether from the daily fight.
I was swimming because it is the only space which completely clears my mind. The rhythm of the strokes and breathing, 1,2,3 breath. The movement of the water as i glide through it. The solitary activity which isn’t for anyone but me. It is a recent activity I have taken up…I think it is saving me.
I have major depression. I have had depression itself for 8 years. It started as Post-Natal depression and never truly went away. Through another child and the breakdown of my marraige I have managed my depression with and without medication.
What a funny sentence that is, ‘managed my depression’ for anyone who has depression can clearly tell you that there is no such thing as managing it. It is a force of it’s own reconning which can take you down in the middle of the most exstatic of moments. It can lay dormant giving the illusion of having disapearred only to reappear to blindside you and rob you of all hope.
It is a cancer of the mind. It is dangerous. And….it is taboo.
I will write here each and everyday about my life, my depression. What it is like to live with day in and day out. My hope is that this will become a view of what depression is like from within and hopefully I will be able to look back in a year and see some improvement? or at least some co-habitation of the polite and calm kind with this beast that consumes me.